The Visit

I have found when something happens and it tears at my heart and emotions, it is better for me to write about it at that moment than to wait and do it later. However, I couldn't do that this time, there was too much to process and ponder so I held it back until today. I am still not sure I can write about my son's visit and properly describe it but I want to write down some of it now before it gets too shadowy in my mind.

My youngest son is now 26 about to be 27. I had trouble conceiving until he was conceived, and I remember so well hearing his heartbeat on my 27th birthday. I knew immediately he was a boy, don't ask me how but I heard the heartbeat and just knew. I made a deal with his dad that he could name the baby if it was a girl and we would use the name I picked out if it was a boy. Pretty clever of me, I knew it a was boy. When I carried this child, I told the Lord "he is yours" I don't think I ever even wanted to take back that promise and just knew he would end up in God's service. That has not happened and not only is he not in God's service he doesn't even attend church and has no use for spiritual things right now, at least as far as I know anything about. He is still God's, he always was whether I gave my permission or not and I trust that God is still working in his life. I know God has shown him love and mercy and comforted my heart many times over his life choices, but they are his decisions to make, parents only provide the tools and the instruction to make wise choices, they are not always heeded. The Bible tells us in Proverbs " Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." I tried to the best of my ability to bring him up in a way God would be pleased with.

For many years now, I have fretted over his choices and decisions but I have finally concluded that I still have a life that needs living, God promises me his peace and grace to come through hard times, he has done it for me and I am ready to leave it in God's hands, He loves my child more than I possibly can, even though as a parent, especially a mom, it is hard to comprehend.

God has blessed this child with a great sense of humor, to play a piano like no one else I know, he looks like his namesake (my dad) and he has a good heart, and intelligence that he tries to hide. The only job I have left now is to be there for him, love him, and pray for him, and allow him to live his own life. That is one job I can and must do. I know he enjoyed being home, eating some homecooked food and seeing us for a little while, but sometimes when all has been said and doesn't need to be said again, it gets too hard to stay very long. Needless to say, I cherished every moment I had him with me, hearing him play the piano once again and just having him here, safe with me for the moment was a great blessing for me. I love you sweet child.