Well, here it is 12:30 am, I should be in bed, I will be up early tomorrow, no sleeping in because it is Wednesday and that is Bible Study day. The Lord has given us a great study this fall entitled "Lord, Change My Attitude". I spent more time than usual praying about doing this study, I knew it spoke to my heart but would it speak to other women? God impressed on my heart to go ahead with the study and it has generated much interest.

The first session is "Change my Complaining Attitude..." then the next session is " To a Thanksgiving Attitude."

The Visit

I have found when something happens and it tears at my heart and emotions, it is better for me to write about it at that moment than to wait and do it later. However, I couldn't do that this time, there was too much to process and ponder so I held it back until today. I am still not sure I can write about my son's visit and properly describe it but I want to write down some of it now before it gets too shadowy in my mind.

My youngest son is now 26 about to be 27. I had trouble conceiving until he was conceived, and I remember so well hearing his heartbeat on my 27th birthday. I knew immediately he was a boy, don't ask me how but I heard the heartbeat and just knew. I made a deal with his dad that he could name the baby if it was a girl and we would use the name I picked out if it was a boy. Pretty clever of me, I knew it a was boy. When I carried this child, I told the Lord "he is yours" I don't think I ever even wanted to take back that promise and just knew he would end up in God's service. That has not happened and not only is he not in God's service he doesn't even attend church and has no use for spiritual things right now, at least as far as I know anything about. He is still God's, he always was whether I gave my permission or not and I trust that God is still working in his life. I know God has shown him love and mercy and comforted my heart many times over his life choices, but they are his decisions to make, parents only provide the tools and the instruction to make wise choices, they are not always heeded. The Bible tells us in Proverbs " Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." I tried to the best of my ability to bring him up in a way God would be pleased with.

For many years now, I have fretted over his choices and decisions but I have finally concluded that I still have a life that needs living, God promises me his peace and grace to come through hard times, he has done it for me and I am ready to leave it in God's hands, He loves my child more than I possibly can, even though as a parent, especially a mom, it is hard to comprehend.

God has blessed this child with a great sense of humor, to play a piano like no one else I know, he looks like his namesake (my dad) and he has a good heart, and intelligence that he tries to hide. The only job I have left now is to be there for him, love him, and pray for him, and allow him to live his own life. That is one job I can and must do. I know he enjoyed being home, eating some homecooked food and seeing us for a little while, but sometimes when all has been said and doesn't need to be said again, it gets too hard to stay very long. Needless to say, I cherished every moment I had him with me, hearing him play the piano once again and just having him here, safe with me for the moment was a great blessing for me. I love you sweet child.

My youngest son came home for a few days. He had 4 days of vacation saved up and he was itching to take it

Family

My sweet sister and brother in law came to visit me and my husband Sunday night and Monday night. They were headed to Houston to the oil show. I so enjoyed her visit and it brings to mind the importance of family and the blessing our families are. It will be my sister's birthday on the 25th of August so I sort of fixed her a birthday dinner of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn and green beans and last but not least, chocolate cake, just like our mom used to make. It was so good and brought back so many precious memories. Not only was my sister here, my cousin (who lives here in Weatherford) has a daughter that resides in Massachusetts and she and her 14 mo old son Ryan were able to come and spend about 10 days in this area also. My son and his wife and 2 boys came over while she was here with her little one and our used to be babies got together with their babies. Wow, what an amazing thing to witness, life pressing on when we feel like sometimes we ourselves are standing still. I still feel like I should be the 30 year old with growing children instead of the 50 something year old Grammy watching my children raise their own children. I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity and blessing to be of good health and the ability to watch all of them grow, and the capacity to find more and more room in my heart for each one of the grandchildren. That is an amazing thing to me that the heart has no capacity limit on love. As long as we are flexible and allow the heart to take in all those precious small hands and hearts and little personalities there is no end to the capacity to love.

There have been those things in my life that have shut down my heart and my capacity to love fully the way God intended, but there is nothing like a special grandchild to thaw out that heart and then one day your heart is full of love once again. I also noticed that when I started loving them, at first it was just them, but with that little seed of love planted in the frozen places of my heart, it began to thaw and not only did a love for my grandchildren grow, a love for others did as well. That is what God intended for us, we are his temple and if we are born again of God he resides in us, His temple. The Bible tells us that God is Love. Is that what is residing in your heart? Thank you Lord for my family, what a wonderful blessing!

Girlfriends

Today I had the priviledge of going to Graham with some girlfriends. Actually one of the ladies has a 2nd home in Bryson and she invited our Prayers and Squares members to her house just for R & R and some shopping in Graham. If you couldn't come and spend the night you were welcome to come up for the day and that is what a group of us did today. We left Weatherford about 7:30am and headed to Bryson, we sat out on her big front porch and visited until our breakfast buffet was ready and then we ate and visited in the house. The food was wonderful and the fellowship even better. Everytime I am with these ladies I love them more and more. There is a reason for that, it is found in Phillipians 2:1-5... It says, If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Women can be catty, contentious, jealous and overall sometimes not the nicest people to be around, unless that is they are like minded in Christ. When you are controlled by the Holy Spirit, someone else's feelings and interests become more important than your own, in a group you put others first because that is what Christ would do. I could never make you grasp what these ladies through the love of the Lord have done for me. Because they love the Lord, they love me also, they care about me and not only me we all care for one another and that is what makes our fellowship so very precious and sweet.

Thanks to Carolyn for opening her home, for those that labored over our meal, for the ones that drove their vehicles, for the ones that brought us homemade jelly and loofahs (Joyce and Joyce), I so appreciate your kindness and love for me and all the ladies that gathered under your roof today.

Just Call Me Dead-Eye Deb

Monty is home and have I ever told you he is a gun enthusiast? He LOVES guns. Along with going to the lake in the summer, I did not grow up with guns in our household, therefore I do not love going to the lake and I am not a big fan of guns. I am not one of those silly people that think we should not bear arms, quite the contrary but just not an enthusiast. It seems to me one shotgun and one handgun should suffice but that would not be my husbands belief. He gave me a gun a long time ago to keep in the nightstand, it is loaded but it has never made me feel any safer because it is not that I cannot shoot a gun when I am calm and no one is threatening my life. I think it would be extremely hard to keep my wits if I was alone and someone was breaking into my home and I was being awakened out of a deep sleep. I am one of those kinds of people that have played out the scenario many times and am not sure if I could keep a cool head should that happen to me. Monty has shown me how to load the gun but I don't ever remember what kind of bullets go in it and could I shoot the person with the 6 bullets that go in the gun without having to reload? Well, just let me say that after going to the firing range today, I think I could. I hate to admit it but it was really fun. Monty was so proud that I was so accurate with my aim, but I told him, "Lining the sight up and hitting a target is not hard when there is no immediate emergency, under duress I am still not sure I could hit someone especially if they were coming after me, BUT I am a lot more confident after today. I have never wanted a gun particularly before and he jokes about buying me one all the time, but today in the gun store after target practice I did see a 380 with the laser beam that I sure wouldn't mind having. Hmmm, maybe, just maybe, I might be taking up a new hobby. By the way, don't ever startle me in the middle of the night, I have a gun and now I know how to use it. : )

True Love

It seems like for the last year I have been on an amazing journey, falling in love with my Lord and Saviour in a way that I never have before and so it is hard for me to admit, I am watching and thoroughly enjoying a show that is so worldly and sinful, but am smiling all over myself as the Batchelorette finds love once again. Let me just say that I chose Roberto for her from day one, so I hope they really do make it. Yes, I am not stupid and I know that love found on those shows never lasts. There is though in the hearts of women that little girl that still hopes for the fairy tale, for the love that sweeps us off our feet.

Marriage is such a funny relationship. In dating we search for that tingly, love at first sight feeling, but ultimately I have learned that the love that grows from the slow and steady, day in and day out love that you know will be there for you no matter what, is what marriage is really all about. Relationships are hard work but God created them male and female and I think that is what gives us that continuous yearning for a partner in our lives. My first marriage lasted 21 years, thinking I would never marry again when we divorced, I was surprised when I realized I did not want to live alone, I wanted the fairy tale so I married again, a disastrous marriage that broke my heart and spirit for many years after it broke up. You would think that would have convinced me to stay single but I was not created to be alone. I was created to be a helpmate and to have a mate that loved me, protected me and takes care of me so I married once again. I am not proud of the fact I have been married three times, but I know this time, that although my heart is battered and a little worse for the wear I have found a mate that truly loves me and there is no fear or worry that he will leave me for another or because I have grown old and not as attractive as I once was, but that he is there through thick and thin, for better and worse as long as we both shall live.

My Lord and Saviour gives me the same love and assurance in my relationship with Him. I may mess up and put others ahead of Him at times, but His love is unfailing and He promises to never leave me or forsake me. The assurance He offers me is so wonderful and if we can truly embrace it and work for a relationship with our Lord the blessings of His presence from now through eternity is ours to enjoy.